Dual....:-)
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
