be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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