Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
