I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
