At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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