I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
