I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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