I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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