I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
