your parents love me but you hate me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
