I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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