I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
