The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
