I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
