So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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