Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
