So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
