I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My breasts were aching with rage.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
