This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
