i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
