well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
