This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Come see our sink grown plant.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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