So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
