accomplished twins. life is a go
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I love having hate sex.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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