I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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