bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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