I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
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It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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