how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
