I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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