Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
