I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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