I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
