I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family