Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
