you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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