Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
