i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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