There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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