party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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