i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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