There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
