I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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