I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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