this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
