Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
