Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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