I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
