I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
