Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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