I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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