She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
