I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
