Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
