I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
