i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
