I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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