I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
