There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
